John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Randomize
