Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
