So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
