i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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