foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
