I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
