Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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