no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
