Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
