i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
