just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
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