Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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