Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
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