I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Randomize
