Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
