this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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