Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
