I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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