Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
