Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
