The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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