He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Come share oat with me in your robe
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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