Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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