I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
