I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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