He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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