Umm I'm too high to move.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
