I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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