Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
