I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Randomize
