I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
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Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
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You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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