i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
