Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
