I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
