He is such a slut. More and more my type.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
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