Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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