when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
