you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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