He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Randomize
