i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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