My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
