ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
