happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
