Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
