I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize
