Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
