What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
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