Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
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