so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
