I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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