You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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