she woke up with a sticky ear
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
