Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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