this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
