I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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