I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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