Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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