she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
