You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
