matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
