Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Randomize
