the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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